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Shekhinah's Memorial
From Frey - October 13th, 2007
Dear all
Even though i had been counseled not to deal with shekhinah's passing on the day of my own birthday celebration, i found myself assisting handy-man Randy in carrying the massive concrete statue from the garden at effey street and setting into the base at the tombsite. The spot just happens to be the only spot on that side of the cemetary that gets the evening light, a shaft of brilliant sun streaming down graced the muse of music, Euterpe (ev-TER-pee), daughter of Nemesne (memory) and Debbie showed up unexpectedly with two screamingly red roses that we placed in the crooked arm of the muse…and told her version of the story of mamma's last few days.
So the time is passing gently since mamma Shekhinah left us. I feel compelled to write a note to all of you who were there for her and for me, for the passage to death.
If you knew mamma at all, then you know that she was melancholic about our family, how it has been unhinged by history, the pogroms, the wars, displacement, and the political unrest in the world, the disintegration of appropriate family ties. She herself suffered a devastating psychological blow to her faith in people as a child, and although she worked to heal all her life, she never quite recovered. Her own need for nurturing and her choice to be a leader for a spiritual revolution made her an inconsistent mother. The fallout of this was my early departure and my sister’s abandonment at a young age.
There has been unrest and conflict between those who were here and who know Mamma well, and those who are far and know mamma only through her work. It has been an added stress to the aftermath of her death, the pain of loss, the confusion in her affaires. I am aware now of the possible repercussions of my own passing on the community that follows my work and I am moved to begin to prepare now for the eventuality.
I suppose its impossible to leave everything neat and tidy… but… the way death is occulted in our society is so blatant to me now, and the necessity to focus on cleaning up my life and preparing for this passage a present reality as I approach my later years.
I can understand how it would be difficult for mamma’s virtual acquaintances to perceive how things were here in the last days from a distance. Mother was losing control and fighting to keep it, so it was a tricky balance to meet her needs and still allow her the space to do what she could. It is very common in these circumstances for the ill person to become harsh when they are in so much pain and fear. If I tried to do something that might have cleared junk or created more sanitary conditions, if I tried to help her with something that she wanted done a particular way, it was often more traumatic for her than doing it herself, or not having it done at all.
I and all of her care-takers respected her prerogative of course, as much as we could and keep our own health and well being. I am sure there were tough moments for everyone involved, Shekhinah was not an easy person to get along with, even in relatively good health. Obviously, everyone has their own weak points and inner construction sites.
The amounts of drugs she was talking made her woozy. We all know that pain makes every moment seem like an eternity. It is horrible to think of her suffering like this, but even when I was near, there was only so much I could do, cancer and chemo-therapy are powerful demons for sure.
During all last year, my friends and students showed up to help clean the space, offer her comfort, shop, take her on errands, counsel her about medicines, assist me in sanitizing the house. I am speechless with the open-handed gift of time and energy that so many people made on our behalf… speechless.
Jann, Nicky, Palika, Cindia, Jospeh, Shelly, Titi, Maria, Matt, Ernesto, Nora, Ubia, Cindy, Lori, Ella, Morag, Elena, Janet, Diane and Kelly, Molly, Miranda, Amanda, Sebastian, Ana, Fabio, Lalu, Angel, Juniper, Jo, Ryan, Sandra, Rachel, Daniel, Anna Lisa, Kellie, Tim, Karen, Copper-woman, Nita, Dr.s Jackson and Choate… the list goes on and the ways of helping were myriad, and even now there is so much assistance for the aftermath… I am stunned. I don’t know how to thank you enough.
It is important to mention the steady trickle of money and support letters that came in the mail from people, some of whom have never met mother in person, most of whom I do not know. Mamma was honored with the adoration of a global community of spiritual women, for whom she was a guiding light, mentor, priestess and initiator into feminine mysteries. They sent their prayers all through her drift into the shadow of death, and even now perform ritual and hold vigil in her honor. Many of these wanted to be here today, but were not able to come.
Here those who wrote to me:
Lisa Abell
Sandrapastorius
Sammi Schindler
Karen
Noelle B Richardson
Kerri O'Neill
JoAnna Medina
Rose Stewart
Nicola Wagner
Sandy Spratlen
Syren
Flash Silvermooon
ALL of those who are far and focusing towards this spot on the planet should be mentioned… but then we might be here till the dawn and beyond, so many were they who my mother touched, and for whom she was a spirit guide.
It was awful to have to leave her at the beginning of the summer, but my children also suffered my long absence and the trickle notwithstanding, I was out of money… but still I am very sad that I was not here to see her off. The people who were around her, long time friends who have circled with her and have been her students and colleagues, made a paramount effort to be there for her at the end and even though everyone has busy lives, they kept a shift-calendar and left detailed notes for each other about her progress, changed and washed her, tried to feed her, told her stories and practiced various healing techniques on her and were there to do last rites and sing her off at the end.
Up till the end, she was not thinking of dying at all, so her work and belongings are in an entirely un-coordinated state. It will be many months before I can make my way through it. I have my own survival to stake and my family waits for me in Europe and in Phoenix. I will do as much as I can as fast as all these priorities will allow me.
So I wish you and all those who cared for my mother peace and reprieve from this difficult passage.
As my mother would say, blessed be
Yours in faith and peace
